There’s this pressure inside of me, haunting me constantly, making me lose comfort, lose sleep, experience endless guilt. This growing nagging feeling like I am constantly falling behind, like I’m not learning enough and doing enough and fixing enough. I feel like the thing I do best is add more things to my to-do list.
I have to release my thoughts; I have to spit out the stuff going through my head or it just might really explode. I don’t know if anyone will read them, I dont know if they will care. But it doesn’t matter. I have to put some of myself out there in the universe, I have to express myself and make it persist and spread my vibrations, make my little mark in the vast cosmos for some brief time.
I don’t know if code can adequately satisfy my intellectual curiousity anymore. It seems to create a monumental feeling of not knowing enough. Things move so fast and I doubt my adequacy frequently. I am good at problem solving, I’m good at figuring out solutions, but I just can’t keep up with the speed of technological change. I wonder sometimes if I need medication, if I am not focused, if I am just lousy. Am I alone in feeling this way?
So I have to document my thoughts. I have to record what I do and what I think and what I solve and what I make. I have to place these clues, these reminders, this bits of data so I can look back at myself later and remind myself that maybe I am more than just a mid-rate fool with an ego larger than my abilities.
I feel such a one-ness with the machine, and yet my desire to work with it continually fades away…